Coming the Full Circle


So I was half way through a youtube video found here and I suddenly found myself pausing it and writing a comment. It seems I’ve now come the full circle from the naturalness of childhood, through all the stories of religion and new age thought, to non-dualism and here I am back at truly believing only what I can know from experience. This is what I wrote:

This was great until you started talking about souls wanting to have experiences. I mean, its a nice idea and is a convenient way to explain all the horror and suffering which is part of human life. But where is the proof? Its just another story or belief structure to replace the old one because living with the reality of human existence is too frightening, too painful.

We want the truth, we are a creature with expanding consciousness, but we can’t handle the truth, so we make up stories and tell them to each other. It seems like a nice, kind thing to do, and maybe it is. But its not the truth. No one wants to be brutally murdered. There’s nothing to learn from that, but it happens, to good people. Life can be beautiful, but it can also be ugly. Life can feel wonderful, but it can also be unbearably painful. Its possible to embrace all aspects of the human life experience without lies, possible but not easy.

Suggesting that on some level we are responsible for everything which happens to us is cruel. We don’t manifest everything which happens to us, babies don’t die shortly after birth because they brought it on themselves with their intention. How does this explain people being born into either wealth or poverty? Bad stuff just happens for no reason. You can’t have life without death. You can’t have creation without destruction. You can’t have pleasure without pain. Life is an ongoing cycle of events, constantly changing, sometimes awe inspiring, sometimes painfully brutal. That’s just the way life is. If we are going to wake up or ascend or whatever you want to call it, we also have to grow up. Living in the moment means realizing that this, what we have right here, right now is all there ever is. This single, ongoing moment is all any of us ever have. Nothing more is guaranteed.

Reality can only be found in this moment, right here. If you can see it, feel it, touch it, then its real. Soul contracts and role playing are interesting ideas, but they are just ideas, creations of an imaginative mind. Our thoughts and beliefs are just interpretations of what we are experiencing and often not even true, leading us into not taking responsibility for things we can change about ourselves and our environment right now. If we live in a violent society, its because there are problems in our society which need to be identified and changed. Our societies are reflections of us, the people who create them. If there is violence in our world there is violence in ourselves. Each of us is responsible for finding the violence within ourselves, seeing it, accepting it and releasing it. An example of our own violence it the impulse to blame another for when something bad happens to them. Its self protective really because it relieves us of the fear the same could happen to us. We need courage to be able to handle our own fears so we are able to love others.

I guess the important question is, do we want to embrace the true reality of life or spend most of it in a dissociated state of stories and wishful thinking, and miss the whole thing, never really connecting with anything or anyone on a meaningful level? Believing in an afterlife or multiple lives doesn’t make that true either. Life is what’s happening right now….and if right now, something bad is happening to you or someone you know, realize its probably not your fault or theirs. No one did anything wrong, do something to help if you can. Being there in non-judgement, accepting reality is better than making up stories.



The Truth About Healing from Psychiatric Medications: for those in withdrawal, friends, family and caregivers.

healing-emotional-wound-wide  If I had cancer, or any other serious illness, it would be obvious I need help, and often a great deal of it, maybe for a long time. But psychiatric drug withdrawal syndrome is not understood by most doctors, and there is very little information to help us, or help loved ones understand what’s happening. If you are going through this, or are supporting someone who is, what you are about to read will validate what you are experiencing, or help you to understand what is happening to your friend or family member. It will also offer some advice about what might be helpful, and what isn’t.

Withdrawal syndrome is a real medical crisis. Depending of the kind of medication a person was taking, and for how long, the symptoms associated with healing can be a little different. Some of the medications involved are benzodiazepines, including Valium  Xanax, Ativan, Klonopin and their generic versions etc. Antidepressants, of which there are many, including Paxil, Prozac, Effexor, Lexapro and their many generic versions.  Other psychiatric medications which can have withdrawal syndromes are anti-psychotics like Seroquel, Zyprexa, Abilify and their many generics. Mood stabilizers like Lithium and Lamictal are the same, in fact any medication which alters the way the brain normally functions, can cause these effects when you stop taking them. In some cases, the recovery process can last a long time as the brain and nervous system slowly revert to their original way of functioning, reversing the changes made by daily ingestion of a neuroactive substance. The changes these medications cause, in a healthy brain are starting to be understood as a kind of functional ‘brain damage’, which can take a long time to recover from, often needing months and in some cases years.

People in the acute stages of withdrawal from some of these medications can die from seizures, dehydration, cardiac complications or suicide, and the crisis isn’t over until full recovery has taken place. Sometimes people kill themselves many months after the cessation of their medication. The level of suffering, and its constant nature can be too much for some people to endure. During my time, working within the online withdrawal community, I have known many people who have taken their own lives, to end their unbearable suffering. Please take this illness very seriously.

Regular use of any psychiatric medication, especially when taken for longer than a few weeks, will cause the brain to change as it adapts to the unnatural chemical environment caused by the drug. These changes may take a long time to reverse once the drug is stopped. Of course, much of this depends on the type of drug/s taken, the length of treatment, individual genetics, age, health and how the drug was stopped. Tapering slowly over a long period of time tends to reduce the severity of any withdrawal symptoms and reduces the risk of long term withdrawal effects, but this is not guaranteed. Anecdotal evidence shows that in people who have problems stopping a psychiatric drug, the average recovery period is 6 to 18 months. But many people take 36-42 months, some longer. For me personally, I’m fairly close to being recovered. But my recovery process has taken more than 4 years after I stopped all medication. I started taking antidepressants for moderate, situational anxiety, but ended up taking them for 13 years, because the withdrawal symptoms were too intense when I tried to stop. When I finally did manage to stop taking my daily 5mg dose of Lexapro, by tapering over 2 months, I still had a lot of symptoms, but didn’t know about withdrawal, so I took xanax, ADHD stimulant medication and then more antidepressants to try and get relief from the symptoms. I was getting sicker with each new drug, until I stopped them all. But then it took about 3 years before I really started to notice some consistent improvement in my condition.

Healing from the damage caused by psychiatric medication is unlike any other form of recovery. The process is not linear, where symptoms abate in a consistent fashion, this is different from any other recovery process you may have known.

New symptoms can occur at any time during the healing process. A person can feel better and be in a “window”, thinking they are recovered, only to be hit again with horrific new or old symptoms (a wave). The erratic nature of this healing process causes its own anxiety issues. We feel better and have hope, only to be thrown back into the nightmare which is not yet over.

Other people need to understand this, and have compassion, patience and understanding to help a loved one who is going through this difficult recovery process.

Doctors know very little about this syndrome, that’s if they are even aware it exists.  They often tell patients that their underlying illness is resurfacing, or that the tapering or cessation of the drug has unmasked a new mental illness.

But even people who were given these medications for pain, insomnia, stress, grief or other non-psychiatric related symptoms often suffer extreme anxiety, panic attacks or new symptoms when the treatment ends. People who have never felt anxiety, depression or emotional difficulties in their lives, will often develop these symptoms when trying to stop taking any psychiatric medication, regardless of the reason it was prescribed.

Some people develop withdrawal psychosis that resembles schizophrenia and will be institutionalized. (The sad fact is most people seeking help for extreme withdrawal symptoms will be given more psychiatric medication, which is detrimental to the healing process.)

One of the most common symptoms is fear, often described as terror when symptoms are at their most extreme. This fear is very much physical in nature, originating from a malfunctioning ‘fight/flight’ system. This fear is not cognitive, but can trigger a cascade of anxious thoughts to follow. You or your loved one may become afraid of common objects, people or places, or may feel anxious or frightened for no reason. Constant reassurance is important. We need to be reminded we will heal and that the fear will eventually end.

Insomnia and sleep difficulties are common, it can take a while before normal sleep patterns are re-established. Inability to fall asleep and stay asleep are common symptoms. The quality of sleep can also be disrupted, meaning you will wake in the morning feeling like you didn’t sleep at all. This combination of intense anxiety, combined with an inability to get a good night sleep leads to the expression ‘wired and tired’, the body and mind are exhausted, but the brain has lost the ability to shut down properly, so getting adequate sleep is not possible. Quality sleep is needed for any kind of healing, the brain especially needs sleep to enable it to function properly and do its repair work. Resting quietly in a darkened room can be helpful, if sleep is not yet possible. The ability to sleep will return over time.

Akathisia is another very serious and excruciating symptom which can be experienced as part of the withdrawal syndrome. It’s sometimes described medically as a movement disorder, but the subjective reality is a state of intense inner restlessness and torment which is impossible to escape from. Nothing relieves the torturous sensations and sometimes, suicide seems to be the only solution. With time, this symptom usually decreases and disappears, but unfortunately, some people are not able to endure this long enough to survive. This symptom is thought to be the leading cause of suicide in people adversely effected by psychiatric medications. Akathisia is most commonly recognized as a side effect of anti-psychotic or neuroleptic medications, but many people report experiencing it when they start taking other psychiatric medications and when stopping them.

Withdrawal causes mood swings. We can go from paranoid, anxious, enraged, hopeless, euphoric, terrorized, all within minutes or hours. It is exhausting for us and those around us. These mood swings can look like bi-polar disorder, but they are part of the recovery process, and usually disappear when the brain heals. Many doctors are uneducated about this and are eager to diagnose a new mental illness so they can offer another medication in their misguided attempts to help. But ingesting more psychiatric drugs means continuing the harm, and a delay of the recovery process.

The physical sensations of withdrawal can be very frightening. From tingles to crushing pain, burning sensations to twitches, shaking to repetitive movements, our bodies betray us over and over every day. Symptoms are not constant and often cycle around. Sometimes they disappear, only to come roaring back with a vengeance.

There might be extreme fatigue which makes any activity a challenge. We might suffer from a general lack of interest in previously enjoyed activities or lack the motivation or ability to maintain our normal routines. But this doesn’t mean we have become clinically depressed or that we are lazy. Our brains are hard at work, using an incredible amount of energy for the repairs which needs to be done.

Some of us develop intrusive thoughts or obsessions. These thoughts are frightening. We need reassurance they will go away, and they will, as we recover, but at the time, they seem overwhelming and there is little hope that we will ever be free from them.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy doesn’t help much in withdrawal because the symptoms are mostly caused by a dysfunctional brain and nervous system as it attempts to restore its previous balance of operations. These symptoms are not caused by faulty thinking and behavior, although our thinking and behavior can be effected by the ongoing repair process. It’s confusing, chaotic, exhausting and unpredictable. Very little about ourselves or our lives is familiar or comfortable any more, imagine trying to live like that day after day, not knowing when any relief is coming.

It’s helpful if someone can just listen, sometimes repeatedly as we try and describe what we are going through. These extreme experiences are unlike anything most people can understand or even imagine, we need to be listened to and validated, it seems to help preserve our sanity as we slowly find our way back to a normal version of health and wellness. We need the assurance that what we are going through is ok, and normal for the circumstances. That it will end eventually and we will start feeling better in time. We need you to listen, no matter how long we keep talking about what’s happening and what we are going through. It might be boring or difficult for you, but imagine what its like to be suffering so intensely for so long, and going through it completely alone, with no one who even cares enough to listen. Psychiatric medication withdrawal syndrome is traumatizing. We are frightened of the process and we are frightened we will always be this sick. We need you to listen to our fears. We need to know we are loved.

We don’t need advice, treatments for other illnesses or to be told we need to toughen up and carry on, or that we are exaggerating or imagining what is happening. We need you to understand, accept what we are going through and offer some genuine help if you are able to.

It would be good if you took the initiative to help us stay engaged in life to the extent we can cope with. Too many people going through withdrawal end up getting ignored, abandoned and isolated, as friends and family forget about them as time goes on because recovery might be taking ‘too long’.

Our lives become unrecognizable. Our surroundings often look strange and we become strangers to ourselves. We are frightened, confused, tired, hopeless and easily become depressed, often in pain or discomfort day after day, month after month and sadly in some cases, year after year. The only cure for this syndrome is time. We feel isolated and alone, misunderstood or disbelieved. We desperately lack support and validation and need people to remind us we are healing and that our fragmented lives will knit back together in a new, and often improved way.

We also need to be treated with respect. Most of us coming off psychiatric medications are not drug addicts in the normal sense of the word. We became chemically dependent due to a doctor’s prescription. We took our medications exactly as instructed, but still became dependent and then sick beyond imagination, when trying to stop. But not sick  with our original condition or symptoms, this is something new and much worse, caused by the way our brain changes in response to certain medications, and what happens when we stop taking those drugs.

We are sick because we trusted our doctors to know what was best for us, but in many cases, long term use of these medications has caused persistent functional brain changes, which can have effects like actual brain damage, which takes time to recover from.

There has been no research into how these drugs effect people when taken for longer than a few weeks. Drug trials generally last 12 weeks. We have no idea what these drugs do to a brain when they are taken every day for months and years. Even during the 12-week trials, performed by drug companies for FDA approval, there have been documented adverse effects, and even suicide, in previously healthy individuals, but these negative events are generally not disclosed at the time and only come to light long after the drug has been approved, marketed and earned millions of dollars for their manufacturers.

If you know someone who is struggling to recover from withdrawal and damage from psychiatric medications, please do your best to listen, comfort, reassure, and encourage the person you are supporting. If you are not the emotional supportive type, that’s ok, help with practical things is just as important. Acceptance, non-judgement and an offer of practical help will be much appreciated too. But do take care of your own needs and watch out for compassion fatigue. Take breaks when you need to and nurture yourself.

This iatrogenic syndrome, causes marriages to end, people lose their homes, business, jobs and friends.

Family and friends pull away or shame us for not “snapping out of it.” We need people to understand we are healing slowly from brain damage. It’s the process of change, which the brain and nervous system must go through, which is causing extreme symptoms in both mind and body.

Rarely do people have any idea the depths of hell we have survived and continue to survive as we crawl towards recovery. Many have been told to stop talking about it, to snap out of it, and to just think happy thoughts and they would feel better. If only I could have done those things, but when you have a broken brain, its not possible. Would you tell someone with a broken leg to just get up and go for a walk, and they would feel better? I don’t think so.

Vitamin supplements, herbal formulations, caffeine, sugar, msg and other food additives or medications can cause symptoms to flare up. Alcohol must usually be avoided, as well as any drugs or substances that target brain receptors. Fluoroquinolone type antibiotics should be avoided as these can cause serious reactions. Stress should be avoided or reduced as much as possible.

After recovery, we can do more, and enjoy life again, but our central nervous systems will still be fragile for quite some time. We may remain vulnerable to all kinds of stress for several years. Please understand that once our symptoms resolve we still need to take care of ourselves and not over do things. There are many stories of fully recovered people who have relapses because of pushing themselves too much too soon.

It can take a long time for brains to heal from the damage caused by psychiatric drugs. But they do heal. We need people to love us every step of the healing journey, for it is a lonely, frightening, and depressing time in our lives. We need to know we still matter, that we are still lovable and loved.

If you are going through this yourself, extreme self care and self love are going to be needed. Do whatever it takes to survive, nurture yourself as best you can and time will take care of the healing. If you have understanding, compassionate people in your life, who are willing to support you through this difficult time, it will be a blessing and will take the edge off your suffering, easing the sense of isolation and abandonment, which is common when going through this.

None of us want to be sick and suffering like this, we are not to blame. We trusted doctors to keep us safe from harm, but were mislead and let down. Now we are sick and suffering, abandoned and invalidated by the doctors who were responsible for causing the harm we now endure. This is not our fault, we have developed an illness because we took a medication given by a trusted medical professional. This syndrome is as bad as any condition which would be taken seriously if caused in any other way. Unfortunately for most of us currently in this serious situation, we must struggle through our recovery process alone, invalidated, unrecognized and unsupported.

There are a lot of profits, reputations and careers to be lost when the truth about the harmful nature of these medications is finally recognized and acknowledged. For now, powerful interests are managing to keep the truth about these drugs hidden from public awareness and most doctors.

We need to survive and recover.

Please educate yourself about this so you can better help yourself or your loved one to recover, and to protect yourself and others in the future.


For more information and online support please visit Surviving Antidepressants  and Benzo Buddies

It’s Been About a Year…

I’d pretty much forgotten about this blog and lost the web address, password etc. But a few days ago I was reading through posts on a facebook withdrawal group, and clicked on a link someone had posted. I started reading and got the strangest feeling that it looked and sounded familiar.

Then it hit me, I was reading my own blog, someone had found it and shared the link, not only that, there were comments, other people had found it too, goodness knows how or why, after so long. So I figured I might as well post a bit of an update… and maybe keep going.

I’m still sick, recovery is slow, but its happening.

May marked three years of my being completely drug free.

The second half of last year brought my first extended, multi-day windows. Windows are the name given to periods of time when withdrawal symptoms disappear or reduce considerably. This usually happens at first for just minutes, then relief can be felt for a few hours. Eventually windows start lasting for days, weeks and months. Late last year I had an 11 day window where I felt completely recovered. Suddenly, it was as if my old self had returned and I was healed. There was very little thought or memory of the previous few years of torment, it was like it had never happened and I just started making the most of my regained life and health.

My mind was back, I was happy, clear, enthusiastic, confident and full of plans, most of which required a lot of physical activity, which I ploughed into with all my previous enthusiasm, not realizing that my body was no longer capable of what it used to be. After almost 3 years of being basically bed bound, my physical condition was very different, but I wasn’t going to let something like a mere body stop me, I was back and I was going to make up for lost time.

But reality doesn’t work like that and within a few days I was in physical agony, my body screaming at me to stop. I ignored it for another day or two, but then realized I had to respect my physical limits. It was more like I couldn’t walk, so I didn’t have a choice. But I was still happy to be free from withdrawal and took my new recovered self back to bed to rest up for a bit, realizing I would have to ease back into activity slower.

But I crashed out of that window several days later, falling down into what gets called a wave. Which is a period when symptoms become much worse, often increasing to levels experienced at the start of withdrawal when suffering is acute.

Here are some links to more information about the windows and waves pattern of recovery.

Waves and Windows in SSRI Recovery

The Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization

Life After Antidepressants: How Do We Heal?

So anyway, I eventually came back up to baseline recovery, fully expecting that windows would start to become more frequent and longer lasting, because that seems to be what most people find happens.

But this year so far has been a bit worse, probably caused by stress. I’ve had to deal with a few unexpected events and situations which have been difficult and one of the common symptoms of withdrawal is a lowered tolerance to stress, so this is probably the cause of me having a bit of a set back.

But I’m probably back on course now and had my first window for the year a week ago. Unfortunately it coincided with a bad head cold, but I still enjoyed the relief from withdrawal symptoms and was able to wander around in the world for a few days like a normal person with just a cold.

I’ve started juicing and experimenting with raw, vegan recipes, trying to improve my diet and increase nutrition to aid recovery. I’m grateful I’m able to do this now, it was impossible a year or two ago because I was still very much struggling just to do the basics for survival, but now I’m able to shop more regularly for fresh produce and work in the kitchen for longer periods of time quite comfortably, especially later in the day.

Mornings are still difficult while my body is in a fight/flight reaction and anxiety controls my ability to function, but I’m getting some good relief by mid afternoon most days now.

I’ve been exploring the possible underlying cause of my ‘mental health’ issues, trying to figure out the real reason my life has been so difficult, from early childhood really. Answers are falling into place as this puzzle of myself is slowly getting solved. Maybe I will write more about that next time.

Protracted Withdrawal (Tardive Dysthymia) What’s it Really Like

distorted reality 3

For a long time I’ve noticed that even small amounts of caffeine, half a glass of wine or even an anti-histamine will have a very bad effect on me, but I was thinking it was my imagination. I can’t even eat chocolate any more without suffering the next day.

I’m exhausted all the time, but it’s a weird kind of fatigue, its like a combination mental/emotional tiredness, not like anything I’ve ever felt before. I spend most of my time at home, on the internet on my bed, just doing the things I need to do to take care of myself. Its very difficult just getting out to buy a few groceries, but when I do go out, I function perfectly in a kind of dissociated way, like I’m not even in my own body, I’m watching myself like from a distance, wondering who it is that’s behaving so ‘normally’ when I’m feeling so awful.

Waves of negative emotions seem to get triggered by almost everything around me and almost every thought, I try not to think about things or do much of anything so I can avoid the emotional pain that thoughts or experiences bring, its like a kind of forced meditation. This symptom was at its worst from November 2011 – August 2012, but its not as bad now, seems to be settling down, I think its improved by about 50%.

Here is a list of specific symptoms:

Waking at 5am with racing thoughts

Feeling like I haven’t slept at all

Nausea, shaking, dizziness, body pressure, muscle twitches

Waves of negative emotion

Hot/cold flashes, sweating

Constant ringing in my ears

Sensitive to sound, light and smells

Can’t watch TV or listen to the radio because its too stimulating

Most things are too stimulating now, including being around other people too long

Loss of appetite and loss of weight

Hair falling out

Agoraphobia, mostly during the day, I’m able to go out easier late afternoon towards evening

Memory problems and mental confusion

Loss of confidence.

Loss of interest in doing anything or going anywhere

Can’t get any pleasure out of things any more

Loss of hope


I wrote the above in May 2013 and now today, things are a little different, but not much. I now wake around 6am with racing thoughts and feelings of intense unease. I always wish I could go back to sleep, to avoid the unpleasant sensations which hit me the moment I awake, but its usually not possible.

Sleep is better now, 2 years later and I do feel like I’ve slept. The feelings of inner shaking and vibrations, which came with accompanying pressure and tension have reduced considerably. They are still there mildly during the morning, but it’s not as torturous as it was.

I’m no longer so terribly sensitive to everything. Sounds are no longer felt as physical sensations in my body, but I still feel more comfortable in quiet, subdued surroundings.

My appetite has returned, especially later in the day and all the weight I lost has come back, plus more. Mostly because I don’t do anything these days apart from sit/lay on my bed, using the internet for distraction. I don’t get anywhere near enough exercise.

Apart from those things, its mostly still the same, although there are some new, added symptoms now, which I will write about later. Confusion and the unpredictable nature of this condition increases the stress.

It’s very frightening when it starts to become clear that the medical professionals out there who are supposed to be helping, are really doing more harm (often unintentionally), and there really is no one else who can help. Coming to terms with that myself has been difficult, but then trying to explain that to other people seems to add stress and turn this into a nightmare of incredible magnitude.

The feelings of isolation and abandonment grow with each passing week as people realize they have nothing to offer in the way of help and tend to drift away.

The Blog Evolves

This is my blog.  Its not a great blog, its not even good, but its my blog and I can write whatever I want.

I’m still trying to decide what it should be about, even though its pretty obvious what it should be about.  Its got to be my ongoing journey of protracted antidepressant and psychiatric drug withdrawal.

This seems to be turning into a bit of an introduction of sorts, so I might as well go with it.

I went to my doctor around 1997 and asked to be put on Zoloft.  I had somehow got hold of a promotional video for Zoloft, not realizing it was advertising material, I had thought it was more of a helpful documentary.  Anyway, that was the start of 13 years of being on SSRI drugs.  Not that I didn’t try to stop taking them numerous times, I did.  But I didn’t realized I was supposed to taper off them, I would just stop, then on average about 4 days later I would be in such agony, physical, mental, emotional and psychic, I would just start taking them again.  The pressure would build over the course of several days until I couldn’t take it any more.  I had no idea this was withdrawal, I didn’t know what it was, but I did know I couldn’t stop taking the drugs.

To be continued…

Today I Left the House

It happened quite unexpectedly about 11am.  I’d been getting worried because it hadn’t happened for a few days and I was getting very low on milk.  There is one carton of the long life kind which I bought in case of an emergency, like if I found I couldn’t go out and actually did run out of milk.  But I didn’t want to actually have to open my emergency milk because then the reality of my not being able to go out to buy real milk would increase my anxiety, leading to an even greater emergency, which would increase my resistance to going out, which wouldn’t be so bad if I hadn’t yet opened the emergency milk.

So anyway, I was doing what I usually do in the mornings, occupy myself the best I can on my bed with my computer, waiting until the cortisol driven akathisia subsides for the day.  It usually happens around mid-afternoon to early evening, but just lately, it hasn’t let up properly until quite late.  So I was pleasantly surprised that around 10:30, I noticed that my body was starting to feel a little more relaxed.

It might have been the Taurine I took, along with my morning dose of magnesium, but I didn’t care, this current wave seemed to be coming to an end so I quickly got dressed, re-did my pony tail, brushed my teeth and headed out the door before ‘it’ changed its mind.

At first I thought I was just going around the corner to the local grocery, still in my habitual survival mode, I was going to get what I needed in the quickest, easiest way possible.  But as soon as I was sitting in my car, my thought process started to change and I found myself heading towards the organic food market the next suburb over.

As far as grocery shopping trips go, this one today was about as easy and almost as pleasant as they can possibly be at the moment, which isn’t very.  Something very strange is happening to me, there are no words to describe it, and its been mostly terrifying as life as I knew it has been mutating into something completely alien.  I am being replaced with a formless, faceless, force which seems to be able to handle things just fine, but fear keeps me from letting go.  So I’m being slowly killed, one cell at a time.

Now I guess I could just give up, suddenly decide that whatever it is, obviously knows better than me, and do what it wants.  But even if I believed that to be true, its not really possible.  Something here isn’t capable of giving up, and that’s what it would seem like… giving up.  Whatever remains of ‘me’, has to continue being ‘me’, and I’m not the kind of person who gives up easily.  Not when something really matters anyway, I have my values, well, I used to, strange as they were, they were part of who I was, but now, even those are getting thin.

The last time I had a day like today was last Thursday, that was 8 days ago.  A metaphor for moments like these is one of those brief periods where there is a break in thick, dark clouds and you get to see a splash of blue and maybe even feel a touch of warmth from a sun which had been there all along, but was hidden and so you forgot it ever existed.

I expect that tomorrow, the clouds will be back and today’s reality will be blocked from my memory, casting me once again into that eternal altered dimension where nothing has any substance or permanence and all I have for comfort is a distant echo of something I used to know, maybe, even that isn’t certain.

But my fridge is stocked with fresh organic supplies, I have real milk again and two more bottles of water, I even stopped at the grocery around the corner for water and salmon, so if I feel like it, I can have a salmon and egg wrap, even though I didn’t get fresh wraps, there are 2 left I think.  I would have got more, but i ran out of energy and would have needed to separate and freeze them right away, so I decided to wait and get them next time, I have more than enough to eat for the next few days.